After a death in the family, I've been on the road a lot, attending funeral events at different ends of the state and listening to sports radio as a distraction from sad emotions.

The hype over who has a right to perform Shawn Merriman's rude-to-begin-with "Lights Out" sack dance is knee-deep there. LaDainian Tomlinson found deep insult in some Patriots players mimicking the dance on the Chargers logo in the center of the field after their 24-21 win Sunday: "They showed no class, and maybe that comes from the head coach," said Tomlinson.

(The week before, at halftime of the Pats-Jets wildcard game, Merriman had said on national TV that the Pats would lose it. They won, 37-16.)

It's hard to fathom how football -- giant men in chunky bling tripping each other -- and class --"elegance of style, taste, and manner"* -- ever got oxymoroned together, never mind turned into playground taunts, with "He did our diss in our house" the ultimate sin. I don't think Emily Post would have an opinion on this controversy.

So an email from my colleague Pam Cotter pointing to this hoot from DJ Gallo at ESPN.com's Page 2 came just in time: The talk of the NFL

...here are postgame quotes from this weekend that are completely made up, but probably pretty close to what was actually said.

LaDainian Tomlinson, on his postgame actions: "It is disrespectful to do another man's dance. Oh God. Did I just say that out loud? Trust me, that didn't sound nearly as girly and pathetic in my head."...

Can we call that the final word?

I'd stop there, but there are a few more that may tickle the Pats fan:

Adam Vinatieri, on kicking for the Colts in the playoffs: "It's just so tempting to miss them in the hope of seeing Peyton Manning make that face of his. Honestly, if we make it to the Super Bowl and I have the opportunity to kick a last-second field goal to win the game, I might shank it on purpose just to see Peyton's face implode on itself. I have three rings, but I don't have that."

Troy Brown, on forcing a fumble on Tom Brady's third interception: "It will be interesting to see how Belichick uses that as a reason to cut me again this offseason so they can sign me back for less money. I'm guessing he'll say a younger, faster player would have picked up the fumble and run it in for a touchdown. And then I'll say that a younger player probably wouldn't have the guts to punch him in the neck."

Reche Caldwell, on being from another planet: "Mmzorp. Zeep. Zorp. Gazunk."

Stephen Gostkowski, on kicking a game-winning field goal in the playoffs: "Coach Belichick pulled me aside before I went out there and told me that if I missed and made him look stupid for getting rid of Adam Vinatieri, he would destroy everything I love and break up my parents' marriage. That was all the motivation I needed."

So as not to inflame the Colts to superhuman faux 'roid rage, I'll leave you to follow the link and read the Peyton Manning entry silently to yourself.

P.S. DJ Gallo, author of the insights above, runs satire site SportsPickle.com, which is currently leading with Report: Tom Brady Breaks Up With His Goat.

In the photo above, by K.C. Alfred of the San Diego Union-Tribune, Charger Shawn Merriman does the "lights out" dance after sacking Arizona Cardinals QB Kurt Warner Dec. 31, 2006. San Diego won, 27-20.