When the review's headline is Diner for Schmucks, you know something has gone way off the rails.

GQ food critic Alan Richman and three companions got a bad table in a hot place, a waiter who brought appetizers and was never seen again, dirty glasses and no silverware at a reclaimed metal-clad diner in Queens that sells a $42 hamburger. The proprietor emailed him the next day.

This is what it said:

I am a bit distressed by the feedback I received after your visit last night. Either you had despicable service or you guys were in an awful mood. It seems we couldn't make you happy, several servers heard you complain and ask for more attention. One of those servers, a female, received a hardy pat on the ass from you. Totally unacceptable in our world. I don't know what to think or how to proceed. But I must relay my worry.

I sat numb, experiencing the kind of paralysis a person feels when he picks up the phone and learns of a ghastly accident or a horrific illness. I was being accused of sexually harassing a member of a restaurant staff. After a few minutes, I wrote back, and this is what I said:

Absolutely, 100 percent untrue. I just went bone-cold when I read that. In all my years going to restaurants, I have never done that and never been accused of doing that. I would not do that. Who in the world told you that? I will be happy to come to your restaurant tonight and confront that person, face-to-face. It's a lie.

I will comment quickly on the other stuff. First, I thought one of the men in my group was totally out of line with his mouth and his comments. I just couldn't get him to shut up. Second, we had two servers. A young kid, practically a boy, who brought the bar snacks and then forgot about us for 45 minutes, and a taller woman (blonde, wearing yellow?) who took over. Yes, I said something to her about nobody taking our order for 45 minutes, but that was the extent of my comments about service.

But it simply isn't important compared to that accusation. I assure you it never happened, not by me.

The news that the diner is about to close perhaps explains the owners' lack of interest in being reviewed. Nothing explains the rest of it.